A guide to weekends in Lusaka.

Lusaka-Tourist-Map.mediumthumbThe best part of the week is when we can rest from all the ugly hard work society wants us to do.  With no care in the world we can enjoy our free time the best way we can. If you are new to weekends I would like to take you through a short orientation course that will ensure your survival in these hard sociological times.

To enjoy a weekend in Lusaka you need to have a lot of money. Please find a way to make that resource establish itself in your pocket otherwise you might as well stop reading now. Some sources of money include getting an education preferably up to degree level. Because you have this apparently high paper all sorts of institutions will look to hire you on account of your “intelligence”. Resultantly you will make more money than you got from the bursaries committee and you can use this new found fortune on all sorts of things. Another source of income is rich parents who don’t have time for you. This one is a bit trickier because you have to find rich parents first. Then these people have to be extra busy in order to throw money at you when another board meeting looms.  Make sure these parents are beyond middle class so that this expenditure is out of love and not ignorance. Furthermore, you can be an entrepreneur an option which is clearly the most boring amongst these sources so we shall skip the explanation. The last source of income is a cocktail of traits. You can be a bandit or a Bandit. I would not encourage these choices because if you’re caught performing any of these acts you will definitely attract ridicule; obtain a disease and a black eye either way. Many other sources exist but the gist is very comprehensible I believe. Have a lot of money!

Secondly, what’s a weekend without girls and alcohol? Young sky walker as you tread this dangerous terrain these accomplices will complete the golden circle of enjoyment in Lusaka. I know you’re wondering how you can obtain these vital elements at one a goal with the least bit of effort right ? Well colleague I gat you. Enter the night club. This is where that money you have made comes in. You will buy a new outfit, fill up your gas (for those who drive) and pay the admissions at those clubs with a bit of exclusivity. Usually you should be greeted by loud music and the sight of people hopping like kangaroos making what trey songz refers to as love faces. However, when you see this do not let your mission be assailed, your team should appropriately place themselves beside the dance floor on your own table or VIP section. At this point you will request the waiter to bring you a bottle in an ice bucket accompanied by drinking glasses seeing that you’re such a classy bunch. When the paraphernalia arrives you shall sip slow and chatter amongst yourselves oblivious of the happenings of that cesspool of sin. If you can hold this for 15 minutes straight birds will flock. Women from all areas of boredom will come to you or at least be receptive when you request to (what is actually the next step in this course) leave the club with her.

As you embark on the next stage of your education be careful. Make sure that the person you are taking home after the club closes is actually a girl. Secondly know the girls name. Thirdly, have your own place, dorm rooms and rooms in your parents’ house cannot be accepted. When you get home you will remove the hypothetical monopoly board and play, all night or at least what’s left of it. The final and last stage of this particular element of your Lusaka weekend is the dispatch. Drop the recipient of your wit and charm at their residence. This will most likely be a boarding house then you’re set to return home.

So you see, the Lusaka weekend is an easy yet complex organism. Do not listen to ridiculous people with tales of an alternative nature. Those naysayers who play scrabble and 30 seconds with a group of tight knit friends every weekend are wretched liars. People who would rather spend time with family playing basketball or soccer then afterwards downing a large glass of homemade lemonade are wasting their lives. I have always wondered why some imbeciles would rather stay home and improve their talent on a weekend instead of going to look for loose women with daddy issues. Why would a guy spend all two days of a weekend with his girlfriend just talking and getting to know her instead of going to the club and buying her some overpriced pink drink with a fruit on the glass? Pure madness. Oh, and the budgets these people run on! You would be shocked that some people don’t even spend money over the weekend. Greed and ignorance must be the cause!  But that’s not what will happen with you. I know you are wiser and you will follow the template I have explained above. What other choice do you have? If you want to be cool what else can you do?

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